| KNIGHT, n. Once a warrior gentle of birth, Then a person of civic worth,
Now a fellow to move our mirth. Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: We must knight our
dogs to get any lower. Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, Noble Knights of the Golden
Flea, Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. God
speed the day when this knighting fad Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. KORAN, n.
A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been written by divine inspiration,
but which Christians know to be a wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures.
L LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. LAND, n. A part of
the earth's surface, considered as property. The theory that land is property subject to
private ownership and control is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy
of the superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some have the
right to prevent others from living; for the right to own implies the right exclusively to
occupy; and in fact laws of trespass are enacted wherever property in land is recognized.
It follows that if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will be
no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to exist. A life on the
ocean wave, A home on the rolling deep, For the spark the nature gave I have there the
right to keep. They give me the cat-o'-nine Whenever I go ashore. Then ho! for the
flashing brine -- I'm a natural commodore! Dodle LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we
charm the serpents guarding another's treasure. LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique
scripture representing a priest of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous
serpents. The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the serpents and
keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as one of the noblest artistic
illustrations of the mastery of human intelligence over brute inertia. LAP, n. One of the
most important organs of the female system -- an admirable provision of nature for the
repose of infancy, but chiefly useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold
chicken and heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap,
imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's substantial welfare.
LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the
maker of puns. Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, Where the cobbler is unknown, So that
I might forget his last And hear your own. Gargo Repsky LAUGHTER, n. An interior
convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises.
It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter is
one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- these being not only
inaccessible to the provocation of his example, but impregnable to the microbes having
original jurisdiction in bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to
animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has not been answered by
experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that the infection character of laughter is due
to the instantaneous fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he
names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel.
In England the Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as dancing
skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal funeral. Of all incumbents
of that high office, Robert Southey had the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of
public joy and cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense which
enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the aspect of a national crime.
LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and formerly defoliated to
wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as had influence at court. (_Vide supra._)
LAW, n. Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping. "Clear
out!" he cried, "disordered wench! Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees
if you appear, 'Tis plain your have no standing here." Then Justice came. His Honor
cried: "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" "_Amica curiae,_" she
replied -- "Friend of the court, so please you." "Begone!" he shouted
-- "there's the door -- I never saw your face before!" G.J. LAWFUL, adj.
Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. LAWYER, n. One skilled in
circumvention of the law. LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low
degree. LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to light lovers --
particularly to those who love not wisely but other men's wives. Lead is also of great
service as a counterpoise to an argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate
the wrong way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international controversy is that
at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is precipitated in great quantities. Hail,
holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great And universal arbiter; endowed With penetration to
pierce any cloud Fogging the field of controversial hate, And with a sift, inevitable,
straight, Searching precision find the unavowed But vital point. Thy judgment, when
allowed By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. O useful metal! -- were it not for thee
We'd grapple one another's ears alway: But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee We, like
old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." And when the quick have run away like
pellets Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance
distinguishing the studious. LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in
your ear and his faith in your patience. LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out
of this vale of tears. LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in
which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as in this famous
passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades.
Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" It should be explained
that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues.
Leonine verses are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to find
a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a rhyming couplet could be
run into a single line. LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith,"
says that pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the good
and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man has discerned a manner of
compounding for it a dressing to the appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments
conspire, being reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire comestible
making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to shine. But the person of
spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to the Adversary to eat of lettuce with
destitution of oil, mustard, egg, salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar
polluted with sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an intestinal pang
of strange complexity and raises the song." LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal
mentioned by Job. Some suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished
ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with considerable heat that it
was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria
pseudo-hirsuta_. For an exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the
famous monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent
fellow who, under the pretense of recording some particular stage in the development of a
language, does what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and mechanize its
methods. For your lexicographer, having written his dictionary, comes to be considered
"as one having authority," whereas his function is only to make a record, not to
give a law. The natural servility of the human understanding having invested him with
judicial power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a chronicle as if it
were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) mark a good word as "obsolete"
or "obsolescent" and few men thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need
of it and however desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of
improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, recognizing the truth
that language must grow by innovation if it grow at all, makes new words and uses the old
in an unfamiliar sense, has no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the
dictionary" -- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven forgive
him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the dictionary. In the golden prime and
high noon of English speech; when from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that
made their own meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a Bacon
were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end and slowly renewed at the
other was in vigorous growth and hardy preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger
than a lion -- the lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which his
Creator had not created him to create. God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form,"
And lexicographers arose, a swarm! Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took,
And catalogued each garment in a book. Now, from her leafy covert when she cries:
"Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise And scan the list, and say
without compassion: "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." Sigismund
Smith LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most
precious possessions. The rising People, hot and out of breath, Roared around the palace:
"Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me
reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." Martha Braymance LICKSPITTLE,
n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing a newspaper. In his character of
editor he is closely allied to the blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in
truth the lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the latter is
frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling is more detestable than
blackmailing, precisely as the business of a confidence man is more detestable than that
of a highway robber; and the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers
will cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving
the body from decay. We live in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not
missed. The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed;
particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written at great length in
support of their view and by careful observance of the laws of health enjoyed for long
terms of years the honors of successful controversy. "Life's not worth living, and
that's the truth," Carelessly caroled the golden youth. In manhood still he
maintained that view And held it more strongly the older he grew. When kicked by a jackass
at eighty-three, "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. Han Soper
LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the government maintains a lamp
and the friend of a politician. LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American
woman. 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, And the salesman laced them tight To a
very remarkable height -- Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- Higher than _can_ be
right. For the Bible declares -- but never mind: It is hardly fit To censure freely and
fault to find With others for sins that I'm not inclined Myself to commit. Each has his
weakness, and though my own Is freedom from every sin, It still were unfair to pitch in,
Discharging the first censorious stone. Besides, the truth compels me to say, The boots in
question were _made_ that way. As he drew the lace she made a grimace, And blushingly said
to him: "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, It hurts my -- hurts my --
limb." The salesman smiled in a manner mild, Like an artless, undesigning child;
Then, checking himself, to his face he gave A look as sorrowful as the grave, Though he
didn't care two figs For her paints and throes, As he stroked her toes, Remarking with
speech and manner just Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust That it doesn't hurt
your twigs." B. Percival Dike LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which,
when made of hemp, entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. LITIGANT,
n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones. LITIGATION, n.
A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. LIVER, n. A large red
organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The sentiments and emotions
which every literary anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to
infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side of human nature,
calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time considered the seat of life;
hence its name -- liver, the thing we live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the
goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. LL.D.
Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one learned in laws, gifted with
legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast upon this derivation by the fact that the title was
formerly _LL.d._, and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At the
date of this writing Columbia University is considering the expediency of making another
degree for clergymen, in place of the old D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will
be known as _Sanctorum Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has
been suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who points out that
Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the advantage of a degree. LOCK-AND-KEY, n.
The distinguishing device of civilization and enlightenment. LODGER, n. A less popular
name for the Second Person of that delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder,
and the Mealer. LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the
limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the
syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion -- thus: _Major
Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. _Minor
Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; therefore -- _Conclusion_: Sixty
men can dig a posthole in one second. This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in
which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice
blessed. LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in
the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being
unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success. 'Tis said by divers of
the scholar-men That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. Alas! we cannot know if this is
true, For reading Milton's wit we perish too. LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure
injury with meek forbearance while maturing a plan of revenge. LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon
extension of the fear of death. LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a
fleeting show for man's disillusion given. The King of Manchuria had a magic
looking-glass, whereon whoso looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A
certain courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby enriched beyond any
other subject of the realm, said to the king: "Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror,
so that when absent out of thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible
shadow, prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign countenance, as
which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of the Universe!" Please with the
speech, the king commanded that the mirror be conveyed to the courtier's palace; but
after, having gone thither without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught
but idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with cobwebs. This so
angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all
the more by this mischance, he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into
prison, and that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this was
done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his image as before, but
only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody bandage on one of its hinder hooves --
as the artificers and all who had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to
report. Taught wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the
mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with justice and humility;
and one day when he fell asleep in death while on the throne, the whole court saw in the
mirror the luminous figure of an angel, which remains to this day. LOQUACITY, n. A
disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb his tongue when you wish to talk. LORD,
n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a costermonger, as, lord
'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The traveling Briton of lesser degree is
addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word
"Lord" is sometimes used, also, as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is
thought to be rather flattery than true reverence. Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own
accord, Wedded a wandering English lord -- Wedded and took him to dwell with her
"paw," A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. Lord Cadde I don't hesitate
to declare Unworthy the father-in-legal care Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the
truth That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; For, sad to relate, he'd arrived
at the stage Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. Among them, cupidity caused
him to urge Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, Till, wrecked in his fortune, that
gentleman saw Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, And took, as a means of augmenting
his pelf, To the business of being a lord himself. His neat-fitting garments he wilfully
shed And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; Denuded his chin, but retained at
each ear A whisker that looked like a blasted career. He painted his neck an incarnadine
hue Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. The moony monocular set in his eye
Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. His head was enroofed with a billycock hat,
And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. In speech he eschewed his American ways,
Denying his nose to the use of his A's And dulling their edge till the delicate sense Of a
babe at their temper could take no offence. His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, The
patter they made as they fell at his feet! Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear
Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. Alas, the Divinity shaping his end Entertained
other views and decided to send His lordship in horror, despair and dismay From the land
of the nobleman's natural prey. For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde Fell --
suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! G.J. LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that
sort which is not derived from a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of
occult books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore and embraces
popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's _Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_
the reader will find many of these traced backward, through various people son converging
lines, toward a common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of
"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams,"
"Little Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the
Brisbane," "The Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks,"
and so forth. The fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The
Erl- King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the
Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths is that Arabian
tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." LOSS, n. Privation of that which
we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he
"lost his election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has
"lost his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the word is
used in the famous epitaph: Here Huntington's ashes long have lain Whose loss is our
eternal gain, For while he exercised all his powers Whatever he gained, the loss was ours.
LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the
influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like _caries_ and many
other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial
conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity
from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the
patient. LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. LUMINARY, n. One who
throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not writing about it. LUNARIAN, n. An
inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The
Lunarians have been described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much
agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity with Man, but Professor
Newcomb says they are more like the hill tribes of Vermont. LYRE, n. An ancient instrument
of torture. The word is now used in a figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in
the following fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: I sit astride Parnassus
with my lyre, And pick with care the disobedient wire. That stupid shepherd lolling on his
crook With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. I bide my time, and it shall come at
length, When, with a Titan's energy and strength, I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and
O, The word shall suffer when I let them go! Farquharson Harris M MACE, n. A staff of
office signifying authority. Its form, that of a heavy club, indicates its original
purpose and use in dissuading from dissent. MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's
opponents in baffling one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. So plain the
advantages of machination It constitutes a moral obligation, And honest wolves who think
upon't with loathing Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. So prospers still
the diplomatic art, And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. R.S.K. MACROBIAN, n. One
forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. History is abundantly supplied with
examples, from Methuselah to Old Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less
well known. A Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he had what
he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. Scanavius relates that he knew an
archbishop who was so old that he could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging.
In 1566 a linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five hundred years,
and that in all that time he had never told a lie. There are instances of longevity
(_macrobiosis_) in our own country. Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better.
The editor of _The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes back to
the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The President of the United States was
born so long ago that many of the friends of his youth have risen to high political and
military preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses following were
written by a macrobian: When I was young the world was fair And amiable and sunny. A
brightness was in all the air, In all the waters, honey. The jokes were fine and funny,
The statesmen honest in their views, And in their lives, as well, And when you heard a bit
of news 'Twas true enough to tell. Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, Nor women
"generally speaking." The Summer then was long indeed: It lasted one whole
season! The sparkling Winter gave no heed When ordered by Unreason To bring the early peas
on. Now, where the dickens is the sense In calling that a year Which does no more than
just commence Before the end is near? When I was young the year extended From month to
month until it ended. I know not why the world has changed To something dark and dreary,
And everything is now arranged To make a fellow weary. The Weather Man -- I fear he Has
much to do with it, for, sure, The air is not the same: It chokes you when it is impure,
When pure it makes you lame. With windows closed you are asthmatic; Open, neuralgic or
sciatic. Well, I suppose this new regime Of dun degeneration Seems eviler than it would
seem To a better observation, And has for compensation Some blessings in a deep disguise
Which mortal sight has failed To pierce, although to angels' eyes They're visible
unveiled. If Age is such a boon, good land! He's costumed by a master hand! Venable Strigg
MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to
standards of thought, speech and action derived by the conformants from study of
themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons
are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For
illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no firmer in the faith of
his own sanity than is any inmate of any madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to
the contrary, instead of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers
he may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum and declaring
himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many thoughtless spectators. MAGDALENE,
n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found out. This definition of the word has
the authority of ignorance, Mary of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman
mentioned by St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of Great
Britain and the United States. In England the word is pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin,
adjective, unpleasantly sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam
for Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of revisers. MAGIC, n.
An art of converting superstition into coin. There are other arts serving the same high
purpose, but the discreet lexicographer does not name them. MAGNET, n. Something acted
upon by magnetism. MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions
immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who
have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge. MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to which
the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, or the glory of a
glowworm, to a maggot. MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is
large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased in bulk one thousand
diameters nothing would be any larger than it was before, but if one thing remain
unchanged all the others would be larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar
with the relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the astronomer
would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. For anything we know to the
contrary, the visible universe may be a small part of an atom, with its component ions,
floating in the life- fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee
creatures peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper emotion
when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these to another. MAGPIE, n. A
bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it might be taught to talk.
MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and views that
madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical distribution, being found wherever
sought and deplored wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye,
nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to the part of her that is
audible, bleating out of the field by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. A
lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- This quaint, sweet song sang she; "It's O for a
youth with a football bang And a muscle fair to see! The Captain he Of a team to be! On
the gridiron he shall shine, A monarch by right divine, And never to roast on it --
me!" Opoline Jones MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just
contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great Incohonees and
Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders of republican America. MALE, n. A
member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the human race is commonly
known (to the female) as Mere Man. The genus has two varieties: good providers and bad
providers. MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. MALTHUSIAN,
adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus believed in artificially limiting
population, but found that it could not be done by talking. One of the most practical
exponents of the Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers have
been of the same way of thinking. MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose
females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put
them out to nurse, or use the bottle. MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion.
The chief temple is in the holy city of New York. He swore that all other religions were
gammon, And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. Jared Oopf MAN, n. An animal so
lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably
ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable
earh and Canada. When the world was young and Man was new, And everything was pleasant,
Distinctions Nature never drew 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. We're not that way at
present, Save here in this Republic, where We have that old regime, For all are kings,
however bare Their backs, howe'er extreme Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice To
accept the tyrant of his party's choice. A citizen who would not vote, And, therefore, was
detested, Was one day with a tarry coat (With feathers backed and breasted) By patriots
invested. "It is your duty," cried the crowd, "Your ballot true to cast For
the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, And explained his wicked past: "That's
what I very gladly would have done, Dear patriots, but he has never run." Apperton
Duke MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in a state of dull
discomfort until the bodies from which they had exhaled were buried and burned; and they
seem not to have been particularly happy afterward. MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian
doctrine of an incessant warfare between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the
Persians joined the victorious Opposition. MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the
Israelites in the wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled down and
tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies of the original occupants.
MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and
two slaves, making in all, two. MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least
reluctance to a desired death. MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished
from an imaginary one. Important. Material things I know, or fell, or see; All else is
immaterial to me. Jamrach Holobom MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich.
MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. ME,
pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in English has three cases, the
dominative, the objectionable and the oppressive. Each is all three. MEANDER, n. To
proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the ancient name of a river about one hundred
and fifty miles south of Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of
hearing when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. MEDAL, n. A small metal disk
given as a reward for virtues, attainments or services more or less authentic. It is
related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for gallantly rescuing a drowning person,
that, being asked the meaning of the medal, he replied: "I save lives
sometimes." And sometimes he didn't. MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to
kill a dog in Broadway. MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth
while. M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses.
No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian.
_The Biographical Alphabet_ MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously
supposed to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in coloring it brown
is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen engaged in that industry. The purpose
of coloring it has not been disclosed by the manufacturers. There was a youth (you've
heard before, This woeful tale, may be), Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore That color
it would he! He shut himself from the world away, Nor any soul he saw. He smoke by night,
he smoked by day, As hard as he could draw. His dog died moaning in the wrath Of winds
that blew aloof; The weeds were in the gravel path, The owl was on the roof. "He's
gone afar, he'll come no more," The neighbors sadly say. And so they batter in the
door To take his goods away. Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, Nut-brown in face and
limb. "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, "But it has colored
him!" The moral there's small need to sing -- 'Tis plain as day to you: Don't play
your game on any thing That is a gamester too. Martin Bulstrode MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted
to rhetoric. MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one
in which the thing pursued is a dollar. MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected
offenders. MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage and asked
Incredulity to dinner. METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. MILLENNIUM, n. The
period of a thousand years when the lid is to be screwed down, with all reformers on the
under side. MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity
consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being
due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_,
a fact unknown to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor over
the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," emblazoned his own front
with the words "Men's, women's and children's conscia recti." MINE, adj.
Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a
lower responsibility. In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible
embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification is a degree of
plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. MINOR, adj. Less objectionable.
MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with a color less than
skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can bear. MIRACLE, n. An act or event out
of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an
ace with four aces and a king. MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth.
Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present signification may be regarded
as theology's noblest contribution to the development of our language. MISDEMEANOR, n. An
infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to
admittance into the best criminal society. By misdemeanors he essays to climb Into the
aristocracy of crime. O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand "Captains of
industry" refused his hand, "Kings of finance" denied him recognition And
"railway magnates" jeered his low condition. He robbed a bank to make himself
respected. They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. S.V. Hanipur MISERICORDE, n. A
dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the foot soldier to remind an unhorsed
knight that he was mortal. MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. MISS, n.
The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.
Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in
the language, in sound and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In
the general abolition of social titles in this our country they miraculously escaped to
plague us. If we must have them let us be consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I
venture to suggest Mush, abbreviated to Mh. MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter. Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are the
molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the
condensation of precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the
condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific thought is toward the
theory of ions. The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it
is an ion. A fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more
about the matter than the others. MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See
_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to be understood, the
monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the
innate power of considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which the
creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. Small as he is, the monad
contains all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German
philosopher of the first class -- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be
confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern him, a good
microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct species. MONARCH, n. A person engaged
in reigning. Formerly the monarch ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as
many subjects have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has still a
considerable influence in public affairs and in the disposition of the human head, but in
western Europe political administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being
somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his own head. MONARCHICAL
GOVERNMENT, n. Government. MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball
game. MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
An evidence of culture and a passport to polite society. Supportable property. MONKEY, n.
An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees. MONOSYLLABIC, adj.
Composed of words of one syllable, for literary babes who never tire of testifying their
delight in the vapid compound by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon --
that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but
the most elementary sentiments and emotions. The man who writes in Saxon Is the man to use
an ax on Judibras MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our
religion overlooked the advantages. MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate
something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. The bones of
Agammemnon are a show, And ruined is his royal monument, but Agammemnon's fame suffers no
diminution in consequence. The monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in
monuments "to the unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the
memory of those who have left no memory. MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable
standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency. It is sayd there be a raunge
of mountaynes in the Easte, on one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on
the other syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much
conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act as it shall suite
his moode, withouten offence. _Gooke's Meditations_ MORE, adj. The comparative degree of
too much. MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in Rome
Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in Otumwee, the most ancient and
famous city of the world, female heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the
historian, the only Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs
met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even attempts to exculpate the
mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by declaring that the unfortunate women perished,
some from exhaustion, some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from
lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of the chase with
composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths lying," we can hardly expect a
smaller proportion of that rhetorical figure in the annals of a people capable of so
incredible cruelty to a lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. MOUSQUETAIRE,
n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in New Jersey. But
"mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell muskeeter. MOUTH, n. In man, the
gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of the heart. MUGWUMP, n. In politics one
afflicted with self-respect and addicted to the vice of independence. A term of contempt.
MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of
political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration.
"In a multitude of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men
of equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be that they acquire
the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting together. Whence comes it? Obviously from
nowhere -- as well say that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains
composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey him; if not, it is no
wiser than its most foolish. MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use
among modern civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with an
excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that
serves to distinguish man from the lower animals. By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is
said, Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or
saint, Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken
frame, And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. O, tell me, ye gods, for the use
of my rhyme: For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? Scopas Brune MUSTANG, n. An
indocile horse of the western plains. In English society, the American wife of an English
nobleman. MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't lead.
MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its origin, early
history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished from the true accounts which it
invents later. N NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret
of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near
to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. Juno drank a cup of nectar, But the draught did
not affect her. Juno drank a cup of rye -- Then she bad herself good-bye. J.G. NEGRO, n.
The _piece de resistance_ in the American political problem. Representing him by the
letter n, the Republicans begin to build their equation thus: "Let n = the white
man." This, however, appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. NEIGHBOR, n. One
whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us
disobedient. NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.
NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who
discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His
successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when. NIHILIST, n. A
Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is
Tolstoi. NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable annihilation awarded
to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to understand it. NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's
provision for wealthy American minds ambitious to incur social distinction and suffer high
life. NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and
authenticating sign of civilization. NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political
assessment. To put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting of
the opposition. NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private
life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office. NON-COMBATANT, n. A
dead Quaker. NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent dictionary.
NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that great conquerors have
great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the age of humor, calls the nose the organ of
quell. It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the
affairs of others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is
devoid of the sense of smell. There's a man with a Nose, And wherever he goes The people
run from him and shout: "No cotton have we For our ears if so be He blow that
interminous snout!" So the lawyers applied For injunction. "Denied," Said
the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, Whate'er it portend, Appears to transcend The
bounds of this court's jurisdiction." Arpad Singiny NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's
competitor for public honors. The kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to
mediocrity. A Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending and
descending. NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems
to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate; it can
be apprehended only be a process of reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the
discovery and exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the
endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah (therefore) for the
noumenon! NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the same
relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is too long to be read at a
sitting the impressions made by its successive parts are successively effaced, as in the
panorama. Unity, totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read
all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. To the romance the
novel is what photography is to painting. Its distinguishing principle, probability,
corresponds to the literal actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the
category of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to mount to such
altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; and the first three essentials of
the literary art are imagination, imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels,
such as it was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace to its
ashes -- some of which have a large sale. NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a
weariness. O OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the
conscience by a penalty for perjury. OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the
wicked cease from struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground.
Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet their works without
pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory without an alarm clock. OBSERVATORY, n.
A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses of their predecessors. OBSESSED,
p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and other critics. Obsession was
once more common than it is now. Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a
different devil for every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently
seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally driven away by the
village notary, a holy man; but they took the peasant with them, for he vanished utterly.
A devil thrown out of a woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued
by a hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap higher than a
church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's
obsessing devil by throwing the soldier into the water, when the devil came to the
surface. The soldier, unfortunately, did not. OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid.
Said chiefly of words. A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever
thereafter an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a good word
and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good enough for the good writer.
Indeed, a writer's attitude toward "obsolete" words is as true a measure of his
literary ability as anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete
and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and sweet parts of
speech; it would add large possessions to the vocabulary of every competent writer who
might not happen to be a competent reader. OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it
is manifest in the splendor and stress of our advocacy. The popular type and exponent of
obstinacy is the mule, a most intelligent animal. OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with
greater or less frequency. That, however, is not the sense in which the word is used in
the phrase "occasional verses," which are verses written for an
"occasion," such as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they
afflict us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no reference to
irregular recurrence. OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the
Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites,
whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call
"war" and "commerce." These, also, are the principal industries of the
Orient. OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man --
who has no gills. OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as the
advance of an army against its enemy. "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the
king asked. "I should say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The
blackguard wouldn't come out of his works!" OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness
which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse
of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. "Old books? The devil
take them!" Goby said. "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." Nature
herself approves the Goby rule And gives us every moment a fresh fool. Harley Shum
OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop
Wilberforce as "unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was
ever afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the vocabulary that
would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it. OLYMPIAN, adj.
Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by gods, now a repository of yellowing
newspapers, beer bottles and mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist
and his appetite. His name the smirking tourist scrawls Upon Minerva's temple walls, Where
thundered once Olympian Zeus, And marks his appetite's abuse. Averil Joop OMEN, n. A sign
that something will happen if nothing happens. ONCE, adv. Enough. OPERA, n. A play
representing life in another world, whose inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions
but gestures and no postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word
_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for his model _Simia
audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape that howls. The actor apes a man --
at least in shape; The opera performer apes and ape. OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the
prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard. OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for
grasping a disappointment. OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. How
lonely he who thinks to vex With bandinage the Solemn Sex! Of levity, Mere Man, beware;
None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. Percy P. Orminder OPPOSITION, n. In politics the
party that prevents the Government from running amuck by hamstringing it. The King of
Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of government, appointed one hundred
of his fattest subjects as members of a parliament to make laws for the collection of
revenue. Forty of these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister
carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. Nevertheless, the
first one that was submitted passed unanimously. Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it,
informing the Opposition that if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy
with their heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. "What shall we
do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions cannot be maintained without a
party of Opposition." "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime
Minister, "it is true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but
all is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." So the Minister had the
bodies of his Majesty's Opposition embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the
seats of power and nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the
nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was defeated -- the members
of the Government party had not been nailed to their seats! This so enraged the King that
the Prime Minister was put to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of
artillery, and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished from
Ghargaroo. OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including
what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It
is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into
adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind
faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding
to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. OPTIMIST, n.
A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. A pessimist applied to God for relief.
"Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God.
"No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that would
justify them." "The world is all created," said God, "but you have
overlooked something -- the mortality of the optimist." ORATORY, n. A conspiracy
between speech and action to cheat the understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography.
ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude -- a
privation appealing with a particular eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human
nature. When young the orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation
of its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It is then instructed
in the arts of dependence and servitude and eventually turned loose to prey upon the world
as a bootblack or scullery maid. ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke.
ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the ear. Advocated with more
heat than light by the outmates of every asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a
few things since the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to be
conceded hereafter. A spelling reformer indicted For fudge was before the court cicted.
The judge said: "Enough -- His candle we'll snough, And his sepulchre shall not be
whicted." OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature has
denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have seen a conspicuous evidence
of design. The absence of a good working pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been
ingeniously pointed out, the ostrich does not fly. OTHERWISE, adv. No better. OUTCOME, n.
A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of intelligence that sees in an exception
a proof of the rule the wisdom of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is
immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when
he performed it. OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's
environment upon which no government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to
inspire poets. I climbed to the top of a mountain one day To see the sun setting in glory,
And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, Of a perfectly splendid story. 'Twas
about an old man and the ass he bestrode Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested;
Then the man would carry him miles on the road Till Neddy was pretty well rested. The moon
rising solemnly over the crest Of the hills to the east of my station Displayed her broad
disk to the darkening west Like a visible new creation. And I thought of a joke (and I
laughed till I cried) Of an idle young woman who tarried About a church-door for a look at
the bride, Although 'twas herself that was married. To poets all Nature is pregnant with
grand Ideas -- with thought and emotion. I pity the dunces who don't understand The speech
of earth, heaven and ocean. Stromboli Smith OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal
pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser
"triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to signify any loose
and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the hero of the hour and place. "I
had an ovation!" the actor man said, But I thought it uncommonly queer, That people
and critics by him had been led By the ear. The Latin lexicon makes his absurd Assertion
as plain as a peg; In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. It means egg.
Dudley Spink OVEREAT, v. To dine. Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, Well skilled to
overeat without distress! Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, Shows Man's superiority
to Beast. John Boop OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries
who want to go fishing. OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified
not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors
there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities. OYSTER, n. A
slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the hardihood to eat without removing
its entrails! The shells are sometimes given to the poor. P PAIN, n. An uncomfortable
frame of mind that may have a physical basis in something that is being done to the body,
or may be purely mental, caused by the good fortune of another. PAINTING, n. The art of
protecting flat surfaces from the weather and exposing them to the critic. Formerly,
painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: the ancients painted their statues.
The only present alliance between the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his
patrons. PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great official.
The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church is called a palace; that of the
Founder of his religion was known as a field, or wayside. There is progress. PALM, n. A
species of tree having several varieties, of which the familiar "itching palm"
(_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed and sedulously cultivated. This noble
vegetable exudes a kind of invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a
piece of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. The fruit of the
itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a considerable percentage of it is
sometimes given away in what are known as "benefactions." PALMISTRY, n. The
947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's classification) of obtaining money by false
pretences. It consists in "reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing
the hand. The pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very
accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word
"dupe." The imposture consists in not reading it aloud. PANDEMONIUM, n.
Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them have escaped into politics and
finance, and the place is now used as a lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When
disturbed by his voice the ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to
his pride of distinction. PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male.
The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to
have been invented by a humorist. Called "trousers" by the enlightened and
"pants" by the unworthy. PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in
contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. PANTOMIME, n. A play in which
the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of
dramatic action. PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To add to
the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously
inflicted upon a citizen going abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for
special reprobation and outrage. PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction
of which we have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the Present
parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These two grand divisions of
Eternity, of which the one is continually effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one
is dark with sorrow and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The Past
is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the one crouches Memory, clad
in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope
flies with a free wing, beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past
is the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They are one -- the
knowledge and the dream. PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for
intellectual debility. PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to those of the whole. The
dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to
the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name. In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary
patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an
enlightened but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. PEACE, n. In
international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. O, what's the
loud uproar assailing Mine ears without cease? 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing
The horrors of peace. Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- Would marry it, too. If only
they knew how to do it 'Twere easy to do. They're working by night and by day On their
problem, like moles. Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, On their meddlesome souls! Ro Amil
PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an automobile. PEDIGREE,
n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor with a swim bladder to an urban
descendant with a cigarette. PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. PERFECTION,
n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as
excellence; an attribute of the critic. The editor of an English magazine having received
a letter pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed
"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't agree with
you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to
the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order
to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they knew no more of the matter
than he. PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, but to an
observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous peculiarity is the smell of
the several kinds of powder used in preparing it. PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby
mediocrity achieves an inglorious success. "Persevere, persevere!" cry the
homilists all, Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. "Remember the fable of
tortoise and hare -- The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" Why, back
there in Dreamland, renewing his lease Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, The
goal and the rival forgotten alike, And the long fatigue of the needless hike. His spirit
a-squat in the grass and the dew Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, He sleeps, like a
saint in a holy place, A winner of all that is good in a race. Sukker Uffro PESSIMISM, n.
A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence
of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich
(and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is
picking his pocket. PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment,
following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is sometimes learned,
frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always solemn. PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many
roads leading from nowhere to nothing. PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern
"small hot bird." PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead
noises. PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in art. It is a
little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite so good as that of a Cheyenne.
PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in
locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe with. PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we
set our hopes when ill and our dogs when well. PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the
character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own,
which is the standard of excellence. "There is no art," says Shakespeare,
foolish man, "To read the mind's construction in the face." The physiognomists
his portrait scan, And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! He knew his face
disclosed his mind and heart, So, in his own defence, denied our art." Lavatar Shunk
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by pressing
the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience. PICKANINNY, n. The young of the
_Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political
fatalities. PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome in
three. "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- Taken from Life." If that
description's true, Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. Jali Hane PIE, n. An
advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. Cold pie was highly esteemed by the
remains. Rev. Dr. Mucker (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) Cold pie is a
detestable American comestible. That's why I'm done -- or undone -- So far from that dear
London. (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) PIETY, n. Reverence for
the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed resemblance to man. The pig is taught by
sermons and epistles To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. Judibras PIG, n. An
animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity
of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. PIGMY, n. One
of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers in many parts of the world, but by
modern in Central Africa only. The Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the
bulkier Caucasians -- who are Hogmies. PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A
Pilgrim Father was one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms
through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to
the dictates of his conscience. PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal
distinction -- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues
and blameless lives. PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.
PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.
PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. PLAGIARISM, n. A literary
coincidence compounded of a discreditable priority and an honorable subsequence.
PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never
read. PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of
their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague as we of to-day
have the happiness to know it is merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her
purposeless objectionableness. PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing
an accidental result. PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular
literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in
the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the
fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The
Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of
thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to
the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic Love is a fool's name for the affection between a
disability and a frost. PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle
and devour it. PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition.
PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the
blood of his country stained nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who
was a saturated solution. PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the
sovereign. PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a
diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it. PLEONASM,
n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. PLOW, n. An implement that cries
aloud for hands accustomed to the pen. PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without
observing the decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of ownership
with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the wealth of A from B and leave C
lamenting a vanishing opportunity. POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of
conscience. In woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her
conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of others. POETRY, n. A
form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the Magazines. POKER, n. A game said to be
played with cards for some purpose to this lexicographer unknown. POLICE, n. An armed
force for protection and participation. POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of
public affairs for private advantage. POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon
which the superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he mistakes the
agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared with the statesman, he
suffers the disadvantage of being alive. POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory
chapel, fitted with several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which
has but one. POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found in the
old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an uncommon spread of ear, which
some naturalists contend gave him the power of flight, though Professors Morse and
Whitney, pursuing independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he
possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech of his period, some
fragments of which have come down to us, he was known as "The Matter with
Kansas." PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of
possession. His light estate, if neither he did make it Nor yet its former guardian
forsake it, Is portable improperly, I take it. Worgum Slupsky PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species
of geese indigenous to Portugal. They are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible,
even when stuffed with garlic. POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and affirms our
ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, its broadest Mill and its
thickest Spencer. POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a
popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor. POTABLE, n.
Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; indeed, some declare it our natural
beverage, although even they find it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent
disorder known as thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and
diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all countries, except the most
uncivilized, as upon the invention of substitutes for water. To hold that this general
aversion to that liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be
unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. POVERTY, n. A file
provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The number of plans for its abolition equals
that of the reformers who suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing
about it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues and by their
faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a prosperity where they believe these to be
unknown. PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single
petitioner confessedly unworthy. PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently
unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily conceived.
Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to have been something
intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its known of them beyond the fact that they
supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy. PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a
previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence of a definite statute, has
whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying
his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has only to
ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate those in the line of his
desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from the low estate of a
fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. PRECIPITATE, adj.
Anteprandial. Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and then his dinner.
Judibras PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in the absence
of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a Judge may choose to give it,
thereby greatly simplifying his task of doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for
everything, he has only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate
those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates the trial-at-law from
the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament.
PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. Precipitate in all, this sinner Took action first, and
then his dinner. Judibras PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according
to programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of foreordination, which
means that all things are programmed, but does not affirm their occurrence, that being
only an implication from other doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is
great enough to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. With the
distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a reverent belief in both, one may
hope to escape perdition if spared. PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. PREDILECTION,
n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation.
PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one
thing is better than another. An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life
is no better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die.
"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." It is longer.
PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. Antedating the art and
practice of perpetuating falsehood. He lived in a period prehistoric, When all was absurd
and phantasmagoric. Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, Set down great events in
succession and order, He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous In anything here but
the lies that she threw at us. Orpheus Bowen PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without
visible means of support. PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of
holiness and a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God.
PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the
conviction that the government authorities of the Church should be called presbyters.
PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least
harm to the patient. PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of
disappointment from the realm of hope. PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the
manner of the time and place. In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of
ceremony if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in New York
he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he must wear two tails made of
the wool of a sheep and dyed black. PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body
to a desirable result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He
presided at the piccolo." The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, Read with a solemn
face: "The music was very uncommonly grand -- The best that was every provided, For
our townsman Brown presided At the organ with skill and grace." The Headliner
discontinued to read, And, spread the paper down On the desk, he dashed in at the top of
the screed: "Great playing by President Brown." Orpheus Bowen PRESIDENCY, n. The
greased pig in the field game of American politics. PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a
small group of men of whom -- and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense
numbers of their countrymen did not want any of them for President. If that's an honor
surely 'tis a greater To have been a simple and undamned spectator. Behold in me a man of
mark and note Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- An undiscredited, unhooted gent Who
might, for all we know, be President By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- I'm
passing with a wide and open ear! Jonathan Fomry PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the
caterpillar estate. PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of
conscience in demanding it. PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church
supported by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the Archbishop of
Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies Lambeth Palace when living and
Westminster Abbey when dead. He is commonly dead. PRISON, n. A place of punishments and
rewards. The poet assures us that -- "Stone walls do not a prison make," but a
combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the moral instructor is no
garden of sweets. PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his
knapsack and an impediment in his hope. PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant
which serves him in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. For
purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. Asked how he knew that an elephant was
going on a journey, the illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor,
and answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high
promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous humorist of antiquity,
leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No successor worthy of the title has appeared,
though Mr. Edward bok, of _The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and
sweetness of his personal character. PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international
disputes. Formerly these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, with
such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could supply -- the sword, the
spear, and so forth. With the growth of prudence in military affairs the projectile came
more and more into favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its
capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of propulsion. PROOF,
n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two
credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one. PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who
atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it
unintelligible. PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may be
held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the passion for possession in one
and disappoints it in all others. The object of man's brief rapacity and long
indifference. PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for future
delivery. PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.
Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- O'er Ceylon blow your breath, Where every prospect
pleases, Save only that of death. Bishop Sheber PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and
conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it. PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind
the back of her demeanor. PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental
element in a cone of critics. PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success,
especially in politics. The other is Pull. PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for
its inventor. It consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its
modern professors have added that. Q QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when
there is a king, and through whom it is ruled when there is not. QUILL, n. An implement of
torture yielded by a goose and commonly wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now
obsolete, but its modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting
Presence. QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the aboriginal
lawyer carried their lighter arguments. He extracted from his quiver, Did the
controversial Roman, An argument well fitted To the question as submitted, Then addressed
it to the liver, Of the unpersuaded foeman. Oglum P. Boomp QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly
chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into the beauty and excellence of this
incomparable adjective is unhappily denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the
gentleman's name is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. When ignorance from out of our lives can banish
Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. Juan Smith QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of
members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In
the United States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and
a messenger from the White House; in the House of Representatives, of the Speaker and the
devil. QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. The words
erroneously repeated. Intent on making his quotation truer, He sought the page infallible
of Brewer, Then made a solemn vow that we would be Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me!
Stumpo Gaker QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one
person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about as many times as it can be
got there. R RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority tempered by
fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred Simurgh, of Arabian fable --
omnipotent on condition that it do nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact
equivalent in our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.")
RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading devotees of a false
faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to the unconverted the rack never had any
particular efficacy, and is now held in light popular esteem. RANK, n. Relative elevation
in the scale of human worth. He held at court a rank so high That other noblemen asked
why. "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack His skill to scratch the royal
back." Aramis Jukes RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the
seller, nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. RAPACITY, n.
Providence without industry. The thrift of power. RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the
speech of the humorless, who point out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly
explained that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and that
_riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared after the recipe of a
she banker. RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. RASCALITY, n. Stupidity
militant. The activity of a clouded intellect. RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our
advice. "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let These gamblers take your cash."
"Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! How can you be so
rash?" Bootle P. Gish RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of
observation, experience and reflection. RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo
ventrambulans_. RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, by
the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to affirm his worth.
REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible
(and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide. This is a truth, as old as
the hills, That life and experience teach: The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, An
impediment of his reach. G.J. READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our
country it consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect"
and humor in slang. We know by one's reading His learning and breeding; By what draws his
laughter We know his Hereafter. Read nothing, laugh never -- The Sphinx was less clever!
Jupiter Muke RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of
to-day. RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist
is a fool with. RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get away
from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose the railroad is held in
highest favor by the optimist, for it permits him to make the transit with great
expedition. RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, otherwise
known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings of the United States are of the
Ramshackle order, though some of our earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent
additions to the White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of the
Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a brick. REALISM, n. The
art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The charm suffusing a landscape painted by
a mole, or a story written by a measuring-worm. REALITY, n. The dream of a mad
philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The
nucleus of a vacuum. REALLY, adv. Apparently. REAR, n. In American military matters, that
exposed part of the army that is nearest to Congress. REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities
in the scales of desire. REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. REASONABLE, adj. Accessible
to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it. RECOLLECT, v. To
recall with additions something not previously known. RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of
hostilities. An armed truce for the purpose of digging up the dead. RECONSIDER, v. To seek
a justification for a decision already made. RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another
throw of the dice, accorded to the player against whom they are loaded. Part IV
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