| EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another upon
the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. EXILE, n. One who serves his country by
residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador. An English sea-captain being asked if he had
read "The Exile of Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on
it." Years afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of
unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the ship's log that he had
kept at the time of his reply: Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly
received. War with the whole world! EXISTENCE, n. A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,
Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge Of
our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables
us to recognize as an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already
embraced. To one who, journeying through night and fog, Is mired neck-deep in an
unwholesome bog, Experience, like the rising of the dawn, Reveals the path that he should
not have gone. Joel Frad Bink EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools
prefer to lose their friends. EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology
created the future state. F FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that
formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, and somewhat
addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The fairies are now believed by naturalist
to be extinct, though a clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as
lately as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the manor. The
sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his account of it was incoherent.
In the year 1807 a troop of fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter
of a peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a
wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but afterward returned. He had seen
the abduction been in pursuit of the fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth
century, avers that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one
change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great slaughter, and that
the next day, after it had resumed its original shape and gone away, there were seven
hundred bodies of the slain which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the
wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which prescribed
the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or mamynge" a fairy, and it was
universally respected. FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks
without knowledge, of things without parallel. FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Done
to a turn on the iron, behold Him who to be famous aspired. Content? Well, his grill has a
plating of gold, And his twistings are greatly admired. Hassan Brubuddy FASHION, n. A
despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. A king there was who lost an eye In some excess of
passion; And straight his courtiers all did try To follow the new fashion. Each dropped
one eyelid when before The throne he ventured, thinking 'Twould please the king. That
monarch swore He'd slay them all for winking. What should they do? They were not hot To
hazard such disaster; They dared not close an eye -- dared not See better than their
master. Seeing them lacrymose and glum, A leech consoled the weepers: He spread small rags
with liquid gum And covered half their peepers. The court all wore the stuff, the flame Of
royal anger dying. That's how court-plaster got its name Unless I'm greatly lying. Naramy
Oof FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and
drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness. In
the Roman Catholic Church feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but
the celebrants are uniformly immovable until they are full. In their earliest development
these entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by the Greeks,
under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, as in modern times they are
popular with the Chinese; though it is believed that the ancient dead, like the modern,
were light eaters. Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was
held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. FELON, n. A person of greater
enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate
attachment. FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. The Maker, at Creation's
birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They
all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said: "By Thine
eternal law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave
untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- Then tucked his head
beneath his wing To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing With deviltry did so accord,
That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the
fateful dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw; Then
bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of earth anew
The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it
plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store)
He kneaded it to flexible clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various
forms He cast, Gross organs first and finer last; No one at once evolved, but all By even
touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match all living things
He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts.
"No matter," Satan cried; "with speed I'll fetch the very hearts they
need" -- So flew away and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack. That night
earth range with sounds of strife -- Ten million males each had a wife; That night sweet
Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! G.J. FIB, n. A lie that has
not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his
eccentric orbit. When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, Himself a liar,
fibbed like any thief. Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief By proof that even himself
was not a slave To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave Had been of all her servitors
the chief Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf Is more than e'er she wore on land or
wave. No, David served not Naked Truth when he Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his
race; Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: For reason shows that it could never be, And
the facts contradict him to his face. Men are not liars all, for some are dead. Bartle
Quinker FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. FIDDLE, n. An
instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. To
Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn I shall not cease to fiddle while you
burn." To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, 'Tis my excuse that you were
fiddling first." Orm Pludge FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to
be betrayed. FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for the
best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word with the i long and the
accent on the first syllable is one of America's most precious discoveries and
possessions. FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and ships. It
appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one sees and vacant lots in London
-- "Rubbish may be shot here." FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular
Trinity. FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most
notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a
turn-coat by some of our partisan journals. FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It
is observed by Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various literary
nations depended originally upon the social habits and general diet of the flies infesting
the several countries. These creatures, which have always been distinguished for a
neighborly and companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly embellish
the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, according to their bodily habit,
bringing out the sense of the work by a species of interpretation superior to, and
independent of, the writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is
to say, the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and critics in the
same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked right along free-handed, without that
abruption of the thought which comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in
children to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful instance of
the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the methods and stages of development
characterizing the infancy of races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the
punctuation is found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and chemical
tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and serviceable collaborator, the
common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose
of either making the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine
revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever marks they find upon
the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable enhancement of the lucidity of the thought
and value of the work. Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves
of the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such assistance as
the flies of their own household may be willing to grant, frequently rival and sometimes
surpass the older compositions, in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small
glory. Fully to understand the important services that flies perform to literature it is
only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a saucer of
cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit brightens and the style
refines" in accurate proportion to the duration of exposure. FOLLY, n. That
"gift and faculty divine" whose creative and controlling energy inspires Man's
mind, guides his actions and adorns his life. Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once In
a thick volume, and all authors known, If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, Deign to
take homage from thy son who hunts Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, To
mend their lives and to sustain his own, However feebly be his arrows thrown, Howe'er each
hide the flying weapons blunts. All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, With lusty lung,
here on his western strand With all thine offspring thronged from every land, Thyself
inspiring me, the song of praise. And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, Dick Watson
Gilder, gravest of us all. Aramis Loto Frope FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of
intellectual speculation and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He
is omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was who invented
letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the telegraph, the platitude and the
circle of the sciences. He created patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded
theology, philosophy, law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican
government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as creation's dawn beheld he
fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of
existence headed the procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the
set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening meal of
milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal grave. And after the rest of
us shall have retired for the night of eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history
of human civilization. FORCE, n. "Force is but might," the teacher said --
"That definition's just." The boy said naught but through instead, Remembering
his pounded head: "Force is not might but must!" FOREFINGER, n. The finger
commonly used in pointing out two malefactors. FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy
word to define, but when I consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long
lives in explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; when I
remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles caused by the difference between
foreordination and predestination, and that millions of treasure have been expended in the
effort to prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the efficacy
of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these awful facts in the history of
the word, I stand appalled before the mighty problem of its signification, abase my
spiritual eyes, fearing to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and
humbly refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter.
FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation for their
destitution of conscience. FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting
dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many
worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which,
however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The
immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of
God's mercy to those that hate Him. FORMA PAUPERIS. [Latin] In the character of a poor
person -- a method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately
permitted to lose his case. When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court (For Cupid ruled ere
Adam was invented) Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, He stood and pleaded
unhabilimented. "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; "Actions
can't here be that way prosecuted." So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: He
went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. G.J. FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a
religious corporation holds lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In
mediaeval times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in this simple
and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent an officer to confiscate
certain vast possessions which a fraternity of monks held by frankalmoigne,
"What!" said the Prior, "would you master stay our benefactor's soul in
Purgatory?" "Ay," said the officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him
thence for naught he must e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted
the good man, "this act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good
father, my master the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too great
wealth." FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose annexations
lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of
authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A
political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly.
Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known; naturalists
have never been able to find a living specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy
knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell.
She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her
feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell,
Upon the pestilential blast Her clamors swell. For all to whom the power's given To sway
or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. Blary O'Gary
FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and fantastic costumes,
which, originating in the reign of Charles II, among working artisans of London, has been
joined successively by the dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it
embraces all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming up
distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of Chaos and Formless Void.
The order was founded at different times by Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon,
Zoroaster, Confucious, Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in
the Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the Chinese Great
Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a
Freemason. FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to
utterance of truth and common sense. FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair
weather, but only one in foul. The sea was calm and the sky was blue; Merrily, merrily
sailed we two. (High barometer maketh glad.) On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, The
tempest descended and we fell out. (O the walking is nasty bad!) Armit Huff Bettle FROG,
n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in profane literature is in
Homer's narrative of the war between them and the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted
Homer's authorship of the work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann
has set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain frogs. One of
the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was besought to favor the Israelities was a
plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental
stoicism, that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the programme
was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good voice but no ear. The libretto
of his favorite opera, as written by Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective --
"brekekex-koax"; the music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard
Wagner. Horses have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling them
to shine in a hurdle race. FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that
punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented by Calvin, and by him
used in cooking span-long infants that had died without baptism; and observing one day the
horrible torment of a tramp who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump
and devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its terrors by
introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. Thence it spread to all corners
of the world, and has been of invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre
faith. The following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) seem to
imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to this world; but as the
consequences of its employment in this life reach over into the life to come, so also
itself may be found on the other side, rewarding its devotees: Old Nick was summoned to
the skies. Said Peter: "Your intentions Are good, but you lack enterprise Concerning
new inventions. "Now, broiling in an ancient plan Of torment, but I hear it Reported
that the frying-pan Sears best the wicked spirit. "Go get one -- fill it up with fat
-- Fry sinners brown and good in't." "I know a trick worth two o' that,"
Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we
attest our respect for the dead by enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by
an expenditure that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. The savage dies -- they
sacrifice a horse To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. Our friends expire -- we
make the money fly In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. Jex Wopley FUTURE, n.
That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness
is assured. G GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which the
leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the gallows is chiefly remarkable
for the number of persons who escape it. Whether on the gallows high Or where blood flows
the reddest, The noblest place for man to die -- Is where he died the deadest. (Old play)
GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval buildings, commonly
fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some personal enemy of the architect or owner of
the building. This was especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures
generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery of local heretics
and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean and chapter were installed the old
gargoyles were removed and others substituted having a closer relation to the private
animosities of the new incumbents. GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman
from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. GENEROUS, adj. Originally
this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It
now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's
descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own. GENTEEL, adj.
Refined, after the fashion of a gent. Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal:
A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. Heed not the definitions your
"Unabridged" presents, For dictionary makers are generally gents. G.J.
GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between the outside of the
world and the inside. Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, Native of Abu-Keber's ancient
town, In passing thence along the river Zam To the adjacent village of Xelam, Bewildered
by the multitude of roads, Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, Then from exposure
miserably died, And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. Henry Haukhorn GEOLOGY, n.
The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, will be added that of its
interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations
of the globe already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, consists of
rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose,
Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles.
The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer
bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. He saw a ghost. It occupied --
that dismal thing! -- The path that he was following. Before he'd time to stop and fly, An
earthquake trifled with the eye That saw a ghost. He fell as fall the early good; Unmoved
that awful vision stood. The stars that danced before his ken He wildly brushed away, and
then He saw a post. Jared Macphester Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine
mentions somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much afraid of us as
we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such tables of comparative speed as I am able
to compile from memories of my own experience. There is one insuperable obstacle to a
belief in ghosts. A ghost never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or
"in his habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not only
have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is nothing left of them,
but that the same power inheres in textile fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to
have this ability, what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the
apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost in it? These be
riddles of significance. They reach away down and get a convulsive grip on the very
tap-root of this flourishing faith. GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit
of devouring the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of
controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of comforting beliefs than
to give it anything good in their place. In 1640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near
Florence and frightened it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with
many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more than one place at a
time. The good man was coming away from dinner at the time and explains that if he had not
been "heavy with eating" he would have seized the demon at all hazards.
Atholston relates that a ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at
Sudbury and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished a criminal
should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water turned at once to blood
"and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has since been bled with a ditch. As
late as the beginning of the fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the
cathedral at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed men with a
priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and captured the ghoul, which, thinking
to escape by the stratagem, had transformed itself to the semblance of a well known
citizen, but was nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous popular
orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so affected by the sinister
occurrence that he never again showed himself in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery.
GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia. GNOME,
n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the interior parts of the earth
and having special custody of mineral treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes
were common enough in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw
them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig Binkerhoof saw three as
recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party
of miners out of a Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these
statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 1764. GNOSTICS, n. A
sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion between the early Christians and the
Platonists. The former would not go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to
the chagrin of the fusion managers. GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its
domesticated state resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is
something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. A hunter from Kew caught a
distant view Of a peacefully meditative gnu, And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands
imbrue In its blood at a closer interview." But that beast did ensue and the hunter
it threw O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; And he said as he flew: "It is
well I withdrew Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew That really meritorious gnu."
Jarn Leffer GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. Alive, sir,
to the advantages of letting him alone. GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing.
These, by some occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various degrees
of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, so that when inked and drawn
mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very
fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese,
as discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found to have only
trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be very great geese indeed. GORGON,
n. The Gorgon was a maiden bold Who turned to stone the Greeks of old That looked upon her
awful brow. We dig them out of ruins now, And swear that workmanship so bad Proves all the
ancient sculptors mad. GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient.
GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, who attended upon
Venus, serving without salary. They were at no expense for board and clothing, for they
ate nothing to speak of and dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze
happened to be blowing. GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the
feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction. GRAPE, n.
Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, Anacreon and Khayyam; Thy praise is ever on the tongue
Of better men than I am. The lyre in my hand has never swept, The song I cannot offer: My
humbler service pray accept -- I'll help to kill the scoffer. The water-drinkers and the
cranks Who load their skins with liquor -- I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks And tap them
with my sticker. Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools When e'er we let the wine rest. Here's
death to Prohibition's fools, And every kind of vine-pest! Jamrach Holobom GRAPESHOT, n.
An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.
GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.
Beside a lonely grave I stood -- With brambles 'twas encumbered; The winds were moaning in
the wood, Unheard by him who slumbered, A rustic standing near, I said: "He cannot
hear it blowing!" "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- He
can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." "Too true," I said; "alas, too
true -- No sound his sense can quicken!" "Well, mister, wot is that to you? --
The deadster ain't a-kickin'." I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile On him, and
mercy show him!" That countryman looked on the while, And said: "Ye didn't know
him." Pobeter Dunko GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one
another with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- the quantity
of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one
another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the
proof of B, makes B the proof of A. GREAT, adj. "I'm great," the Lion said --
"I reign The monarch of the wood and plain!" The Elephant replied: "I'm
great -- No quadruped can match my weight!" "I'm great -- no animal has half So
long a neck!" said the Giraffe. "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see
My femoral muscularity!" The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, My tail is
lithe and bald and cold!" An Oyster fried was understood To say: "I'm great
because I'm good!" Each reckons greatness to consist In that in which he heads the
list, And Vierick thinks he tops his class Because he is the greatest ass. Arion Spurl
Doke GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders with good
reason. In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the learned Professor
Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture -- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that
they are descended from turtles and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the
head inside the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an authority,
but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and enforced in my work entitled
_Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to
build so important a theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I
have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired by the guillotine
during the period of that instrument's activity. GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by
civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left
unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not
upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels
with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover,
it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of Agriculture.
Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event that occurred on the
Government experimental farm in the District of Columbia. One day, several years ago, a
rogue imperfectly reverent of the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character
presented him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the _Flashawful
flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial value, admirably adapted to this
climate. The good Secretary was instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward
inhume it with soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line of it
all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look backward by a shout from the
generous donor, who at once dropped a lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point.
Contact with the earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary saw
himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and fierce evolution. He stood
for a moment paralyzed and speechless, then he recollected an engagement and, dropping
all, absented himself thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators
along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak prolonging itself with
inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, and audibly refusing to be comforted.
"Great Scott! what is that?" cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and
gazing at the fading line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon.
"That," said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again
centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of Washington." H
HABEAS CORPUS. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when confined for the wrong
crime. HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of
departed spirits; the place where the dead live. Among the ancients the idea of Hades was
not synonymous with our Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there
in a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves were a part of
Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. When the Jacobean version of the New
Testament was in process of evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work
insisted by a majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as
"Hell"; but a conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the
record and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the next meeting,
the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly sprang to his feet and said with
considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!"
Years afterward the good prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been
the means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and immortal addition to
the phraseology of the English tongue. HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to
like; sometimes called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were called
hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind of baleful lumination or
nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that peculiar electrical light sometimes observed
in the hair. At one time hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a
"beautiful hag, all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench."
It would not now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is reserved
for the use of her grandchildren. HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may
be divided, or considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion arose
among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience could part an object into
three halves; and the pious Father Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen
that God would demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and
unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the body of that hardy
blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the negative. Procinus, however, was spared
to die of the bite of a viper. HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an
astronomical body, but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or
"nimbus," a somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and
saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture in the air, in the
manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred as a sign of superior sanctity, in the
same way as a bishop's mitre, or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by
Szedgkin, a pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the nimbus,
but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly decorated and, to his lasting
honor be it said, appears to bear his unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into
somebody's pocket. HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various
ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals to conceal the lack
of tears. The handkerchief is of recent invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and
intrusted its duties to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of
"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, as Dr.
Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails in our own day -- an
evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged
with duties of the highest dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by
a populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States his functions are
now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, where executions by electricity have
recently been ordered -- the first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody
questioning the expediency of hanging Jerseymen. HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation
arising from contemplating the misery of another. HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent,
who is known as an harrangue- outang. HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from
stores are exposed to the fury of the customs. HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now
extinct, who came from Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished
for the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. HASH, x. There is no
definition for this word -- nobody knows what hash is. HATCHET, n. A young axe, known
among Indians as a Thomashawk. "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, For peace is a
blessing," the White Man said. The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, With
imposing rites, in the White Man's head. John Lukkus HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to
the occasion of another's superiority. HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. In
ancient times there lived a king Whose tax-collectors could not wring From all his
subjects gold enough To make the royal way less rough. For pleasure's highway, like the
dames Whose premises adjoin it, claims Perpetual repairing. So The tax-collectors in a row
Appeared before the throne to pray Their master to devise some way To swell the revenue.
"So great," Said they, "are the demands of state A tithe of all that we
collect Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: How, if one-tenth we must resign, Can we
exist on t'other nine?" The monarch asked them in reply: "Has it occurred to you
to try The advantage of economy?" "It has," the spokesman said: "we
sold All of our gray garrotes of gold; With plated-ware we now compress The necks of those
whom we assess. Plain iron forceps we employ To mitigate the miser's joy Who hoards, with
greed that never tires, That which your Majesty requires." Deep lines of thought were
seen to plow Their way across the royal brow. "Your state is desperate, no question;
Pray favor me with a suggestion." "O King of Men," the spokesman said,
"If you'll impose upon each head A tax, the augmented revenue We'll cheerfully divide
with you." As flashes of the sun illume The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, The
king smiled grimly. "I decree That it be so -- and, not to be In generosity outdone,
Declare you, each and every one, Exempted from the operation Of this new law of
capitation. But lest the people censure me Because they're bound and you are free, 'Twere
well some clever scheme were laid By you this poll-tax to evade. I'll leave you now while
you confer With my most trusted minister." The monarch from the throne-room walked
And straightway in among them stalked A silent man, with brow concealed, Bare-armed -- his
gleaming axe revealed! G.J. HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. HEART, n. An automatic,
muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions
and sentiments -- a very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once
universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions reside in the stomach,
being evolved from food by chemical action of the gastric fluid. The exact process by
which a beefsteak becomes a feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal
from which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a caviar
sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a pungent epigram; the marvelous
functional methods of converting a hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a
cream-puff into a sigh of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by
M. Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, my monograph, _The
Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in
Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio
Demonorum_ (John Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a
striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's famous treatise on
_Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. HEAT, n. Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a
mode Of motion, but I know now how he's proving His point; but this I know -- hot words
bestowed With skill will set the human fist a-moving, And where it stops the stars burn
free and wild. _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. Gorton Swope HEATHEN, n. A
benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
According to Professor Howison, of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens.
"The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's A Christian philosopher. I'm A
scurril agnostical chap, if you please, Addicted too much to the crime Of religious
discussion in my rhyme. Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree On a _modus vivendi_ -- not
they! -- Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, And I haven't been reared in a way To joy
in the thick of the fray. For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, And the truth of
it I aver: Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- And
I'm down upon him or her! Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin Toleration -- that's all
very well, But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, And he's running -- I know
by the smell -- A secret and personal Hell! Bissell Gip HEAVEN, n. A place where the
wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen
with attention while you expound your own. HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from
the Shebrew, an altogether superior creation. HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half.
"Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" Says the priest. "Since the
time 'o yer wooin' She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- For it's naught ye are
ever doin'." "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, And no
sign of contrition envices; "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, For she
helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" Marley Wottel HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous
bark is made an article of neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in
the open air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and
follies are not sociable. HERS, pron. His. HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in
domestic seclusion. There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of
various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the whole winter and
subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is admitted that it comes out of its
retirement in the spring so lean that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow.
Three or four centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that swallows
passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their brooks, clinging together in
globular masses. They have apparently been compelled to give up the custom and account of
the foulness of the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation of
people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent is supposed to have been
originally a modified form of hibernation, to which the Church gave a religious
significance; but this view was strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip,
who did not wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. HIPPOGRIFF,
n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a
compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a
one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is
full of surprises. HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. HISTORY, n. An account mostly
false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and
soldiers mostly fools. Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 'Tis nine-tenths lying.
Faith, I wish 'twere known, Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, Wherein he blundered
and how much he lied. Salder Bupp HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its
appetite and serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, the hog is
not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for the delicacy and the melody of
its voice. It is chiefly as a songster that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full
chorus has been known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of this
dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not discover the hog, but it is
considered his by right of resemblance. HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical
profession. HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and Christian
Science. To the last both the others are distinctly inferior, for Christian Science will
cure imaginary diseases, and they can not. HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by
another. There are four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and
praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one
kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers. HOMILETICS, n. The
science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the
congregation. So skilled the parson was in homiletics That all his normal purges and
emetics To medicine the spirit were compounded With a most just discrimination founded
Upon a rigorous examination Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. Then, having
diagnosed each one's condition, His scriptural specifics this physician Administered --
his pills so efficacious And pukes of disposition so vivacious That souls afflicted with
ten kinds of Adam Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. But Slander's tongue --
itself all coated -- uttered Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered That in the case
of patients having money The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. _Biography of
Bishop Potter_ HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the honorable
gentleman is a scurvy cur." HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one.
Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft;
When even his dog deserts him, and his goat With tranquil disaffection chews his coat
While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, The star far-flaming on thine angel brow,
Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint The promise of a clerkship in the Mint.
Fogarty Weffing HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain
persons who are not in need of food and lodging. HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and
specially applied sense of the earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active
and passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female friends, and that
which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the
Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her
existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul. By that
good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient esteem. HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice
erected for the habitation of man, rat, mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea,
bacillus and microbe. _House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal
service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. _House of God_, a building
with a steeple and a mortgage on it. _House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic
premises to insult persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a
youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously disagreeable and ingeniously
unclean in the station in which it has pleased God to place her. HOUSELESS, adj. Having
paid all taxes on household goods. HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.
Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace; Twaddle said: "I'll grovel Or he'll think
I bear him malice" -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice. Down upon the
middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle.
Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think
himself a [mockery.] G.J. HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the
anthropoid poets. HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity
of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.
Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom
inclined -- Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, His brains, renewed by night,
consumes by day. He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, A graceful hog would bear his
company. Alexander Poke HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but
now generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is still in popular use
in the West Indies and is preferred by certain old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used
in the construction of the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the
hurricane's usefulness has outlasted it. HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. HUSBAND, n.
One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the plate. HYBRID, n. A pooled issue.
HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many heads. HYENA, n. A
beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night
the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that. HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n.
Depression of one's own spirits. Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot Where long the
village rubbish had been shot Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps --
"Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. Bogul S. Purvy HYPOCRITE, n. One who,
profession virtues that he does not respect secures the advantage of seeming to be what he
depises. I I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, the
first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In grammar it is a pronoun of
the first person and singular number. Its plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be
more than one myself is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this
incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but fine. The frank yet
graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer from a bad; the latter carries
it with the manner of a thief trying to cloak his loot. ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the
gods and goddesses in place of blood. Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, Restrained the raging
chief and said: "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- Your soul's stained white
with ichorshed!" Mary Doke ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof
are imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest that he
unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but pileth not up. For the poor
things would have other idols in place of those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and
dispelleth. But the iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them
not; and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress the head of him
and sit thereon till he squawk it." IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe
whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's
activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and
regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is
unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of
speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line. IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the
devil experiments with seeds of new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices.
IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge familiar to yourself,
and having certain other kinds that you know nothing about. Dumble was an ignoramus,
Mumble was for learning famous. Mumble said one day to Dumble: "Ignorance should be
more humble. Not a spark have you of knowledge That was got in any college." Dumble
said to Mumble: "Truly You're self-satisfied unduly. Of things in college I'm denied
A knowledge -- you of all beside." Borelli ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics
of the latter part of the sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights --
_cunctationes illuminati_. ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice,
envy and detraction. IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint
ownership. IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting
censorious critics of this dictionary. IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks
one country better than another. IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit,
coupled with a feeble conception of worth in others. There was once a man in Ispahan Ever
and ever so long ago, And he had a head, the phrenologists said, That fitted him for a
show. For his modesty's bump was so large a lump (Nature, they said, had taken a freak)
That its summit stood far above the wood Of his hair, like a mountain peak. So modest a
man in all Ispahan, Over and over again they swore -- So humble and meek, you would vainly
seek; None ever was found before. Meantime the hump of that awful bump Into the heavens
contrived to get To so great a height that they called the wight The man with the minaret.
There wasn't a man in all Ispahan Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: With a
tireless tongue and a brazen lung He bragged of that beautiful bump Till the Shah in a
rage sent a trusty page Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, And that gentle child
explained as he smiled: "A little present for you." The saddest man in all
Ispahan, Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. "If I'd lived," said he,
"my humility Had given me deathless fame!" Sukker Uffro IMMORAL, adj.
Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances
men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If
man's notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they
originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a
moral character apart from, and nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all
philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind. IMMORTALITY, n. A toy which people
cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would
be right proud Eternally to die for. G.J. IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any
weapon which remains fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is,
properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the body, the victim
being left in a sitting position. This was a common mode of punishment among many of the
nations of antiquity, and is still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to
the beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in "churching"
heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole of repentynge," and
among the common people it was jocularly known as "riding the one legged horse."
Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate
punishment for crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded for
secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of sacrilege. To the person in
actual experience of impalement it must be a matter of minor importance by what kind of
civil or religious dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he
would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in the character of a
weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any
promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting
either of two conflicting opinions. IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point
of time between sin and punishment. IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.
IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on of hands -- a ceremony
common to many ecclesiastical systems, but performed with the frankest sincerity by the
sect known as Thieves. "Lo! by the laying on of hands," Say parson, priest and
dervise, "We consecrate your cash and lands To ecclesiastical service. No doubt
you'll swear till all is blue At such an imposition. Do." Pollo Doncas IMPOSTOR n. A
rival aspirant to public honors. IMPROBABILITY, n. His tale he told with a solemn face And
a tender, melancholy grace. Improbable 'twas, no doubt, When you came to think it out, But
the fascinated crowd Their deep surprise avowed And all with a single voice averred 'Twas
the most amazing thing they'd heard -- All save one who spake never a word, But sat as mum
As if deaf and dumb, Serene, indifferent and unstirred. Then all the others turned to him
And scrutinized him limb from limb -- Scanned him alive; But he seemed to thrive And
tranquiler grow each minute, As if there were nothing in it. "What! what!" cried
one, "are you not amazed At what our friend has told?" He raised Soberly then
his eyes and gazed In a natural way And proceeded to say, As he crossed his feet on the
mantel-shelf: "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." IMPROVIDENCE, n.
Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow. IMPUNITY, n. Wealth.
INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain kinds of testimony
which juries are supposed to be unfit to be entrusted with, and which judges, therefore,
rule out, even of proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible
because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for examination; yet
most momentous actions, military, political, commercial and of every other kind, are daily
undertaken on hearsay evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis
than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the Scriptures are the word of
God we have only the testimony of men long dead whose identity is not clearly established
and who are not known to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they
now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its support any
evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be proved that the battle of Blenheim
ever was fought, that there was such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as
Assyria. But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily be proved that
powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence
(including confession) upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed
was without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were
sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved
than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were
no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. INAUSPICIOUSLY,
adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being unfavorable. Among the Romans it was
customary before undertaking any important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs,
or state prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite and most
trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the flight of birds -- the omens
thence derived being called _auspices_. Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant
lexicographers have decided that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean
"patronage" or "management"; as, "The festivities were under the
auspices of the Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The
hilarities were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." A Roman slave appeared one day
Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, If --" here the Augur, smiling, made A
checking gesture and displayed His open palm, which plainly itched, For visibly its
surface twitched. A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) Successfully allayed the tickle, And
then the slave proceeded: "Please Inform me whether Fate decrees Success or failure
in what I To-night (if it be dark) shall try. Its nature? Never mind -- I think 'Tis writ
on this" -- and with a wink Which darkened half the earth, he drew Another denarius
to view, Its shining face attentive scanned, Then slipped it into the good man's hand, Who
with great gravity said: "Wait While I retire to question Fate." That holy
person then withdrew His scared clay and, passing through The temple's rearward gate,
cried "Shoo!" Waving his robe of office. Straight Each sacred peacock and its
mate (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled With clamor from the trees o'erhead, Where they
were perching for the night. The temple's roof received their flight, For thither they
would always go, When danger threatened them below. Back to the slave the Augur went:
"My son, forecasting the event By flight of birds, I must confess The auspices deny
success." That slave retired, a sadder man, Abandoning his secret plan -- Which was
(as well the craft seer Had from the first divined) to clear The wall and fraudulently
seize On Juno's poultry in the trees. G.J. INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and
measure of respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, arbitrary and
fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the play has justly remarked,
"the true use and function of property (in whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or
land, or houses, or merchant- stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to
one's own subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and all favor
and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but to get money. Hence it
followeth that all things are truly to be rated as of worth in measure of their
serviceableness to that end; and their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto,
neither the lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who bears an
unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, being esteemed of level
excellency with him whose riches are of daily accretion; and hardly should they whose
wealth is barren claim and rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy."
INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for
domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a meek-eyed matron living just around
the corner. It has even been known to wear a moustache. INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to
exist if something else exists. Two things are incompossible when the world of being has
scope enough for one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and
God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only incompatibility let loose.
Instead of such low language as "Go heel yourself -- I mean to kill you on
sight," the words, "Sir, we are incompossible," would convey and equally
significant intimation and in stately courtesy are altogether superior. INCUBUS, n. One of
a race of highly improper demons who, though probably not wholly extinct, may be said to
have seen their best nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including
_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus (Paris, 1328), which
contains much curious information that would be out of place in a dictionary intended as a
text-book for the public schools. Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan
himself -- tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- sometimes
plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm of the good dames who wish to
be loyal to their marriage vows, generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish
priest to learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from their
husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; but Hugo is ungallant
enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the test. INCUMBENT, n. A person of the
liveliest interest to the outcumbents. INDECISION, n. The chief element of success;
"for whereas," saith Sir Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do
nothing and divers way to do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way,
it followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many chances of going
astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear and satisfactory exposition on the
matter. "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain
occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five minutes to make
up your mind in." "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it
is a great thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt whether to
attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a copper." "Do you mean
to say that's what you did this time?" "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake
don't reprimand me: I disobeyed the coin." INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to
distinctions among things. "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife,
"You've grown indifferent to all in life." "Indifferent?" he drawled
with a slow smile; "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." Apuleius M.
Gokul INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends frequently mistake for
deep religious conviction and concern for the salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man
of the western wild put it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty
well, no pray; big bellyache, heap God." INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman.
INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. INFANCY, n. The period of our
lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies about us." The world begins
lying about us pretty soon afterward. INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans,
sacrifices for propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the pious
ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a
number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of
the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of
Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that
illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and
the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of
events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point, owing
to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper
back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been
traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint
Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal,
though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different; and to that I bow --
wow. INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in
Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of scoundrel imperfectly reverent of,
and niggardly contributory to, divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks,
mollahs, voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, missionaries,
exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men,
confessors, eminences, elders, primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums,
beneficiaries, clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, preachers,
padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, bonezs, santons, beadsmen,
canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals,
charm-sellers, archdeacons, hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks,
talapoins, postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons,
reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, mudjoes, readers,
novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors,
church wardens, cardinals, prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis,
mutifs and pumpums. INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a
substantial _quid_. INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have
sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the Supralapsarians, who hold that that
luckless person's fall was decreed from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes
called Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity of their
views about Adam. Two theologues once, as they wended their way To chapel, engaged in
colloquial fray -- An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, Concerning poor Adam and what
made him fall. "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord Decreed
he should fall of his own accord." "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other
maintained, "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." So fierce and
so fiery grew the debate That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; So off flew
their cassocks and caps to the ground And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round.
Ere either had proved his theology right By winning, or even beginning, the fight, A gray
old professor of Latin came by, A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, And learning
the cause of their quarrel (for still As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill Of
foreordination freedom of will) Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose:
Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear Ye
wrongly interpret the names that they bear. _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! --
Should only contend that Adam slipped down; While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! --
Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. It's all the same whether up or down You
slip on a peel of banana brown. Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, But thought he had
slipped on a peal of thunder! G.J. INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or
is otherwise an object of charity. "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic.
"Nay," The good philanthropist replied; "I did great service to a man one
day Who never since has cursed me to repay, Nor vilified." "Ho!" cried the
cynic, "lead me to him straight -- With veneration I am overcome, And fain would have
his blessing." "Sad your fate -- He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state
This man is dumb." Ariel Selp INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a
slight. INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry
ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back. INK, n. A villainous
compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and water, chiefly used to facilitate the
infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and
contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to blacken them and to
make them white; but it is most generally and acceptably employed as a mortar to bind
together the stones of an edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the
rascal quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have established ink
baths which some persons pay money to get into, others to get out of. Not infrequently it
occurs that a person who has paid to get in pays twice as much to get out. INNATE, adj.
Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, ideas that we are born with, having
had them previously imparted to us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most
admirable faiths of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible to
disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it "a black
eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in one's ability to conduct a
newspaper, in the greatness of one's country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in
the importance of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's diseases.
IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent investigators do not
class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute observer and renowned authority, Dr.
Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than
our important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds that man's soul is
that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms the pith of his no tail; and for
demonstration of his faith points confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no
souls. Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by believing both.
INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are of many kinds, but
mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame of some illustrious person and hand down
to distant ages the record of his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions
belongs the name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following are
examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) "In the sky my soul
is found, And my body in the ground. By and by my body'll rise To my spirit in the skies,
Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 1878." "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut
down May 9th, 1862, aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." "Affliction sore
long time she boar, Phisicians was in vain, Till Deth released the dear deceased And left
her a remain. Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." "The clay that
rests beneath this stone As Silas Wood was widely known. Now, lying here, I ask what good
It was to let me be S. Wood. O Man, let not ambition trouble you, Is the advice of Silas
W." "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had the dust
brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." INSECTIVORA, n. "See," cries the chorus of
admiring preachers, "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" "His
care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: For us He has provided wrens
and swallows." Sempen Railey INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in
which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the
man who keeps the table. INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me
insure it. HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so low that by the
time when, according to the tables of your actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire
I will have paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. INSURANCE AGENT: O
dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. We must fix the premium so that you will have
paid more. HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house
may burn down at any time. There was Smith's house, for example, which -- HOUSE OWNER:
Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's
house, which -- INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other.
You want me to pay you money on the supposition that something will occur previously to
the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In other words, you expect me to bet that my
house will not last so long as you say that it will probably last. INSURANCE AGENT: But if
your house burns without insurance it will be a total loss. HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon
-- by your own actuary's tables I shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the
premiums I would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the face of the
policy they would have bought. But suppose it to burn, uninsured, before the time upon
which your figures are based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were
insured? INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our luckier ventures with
other clients. Virtually, they pay your loss. HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I
help to pay their losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before they have
paid you as much as you must pay them? The case stands this way: you expect to take more
money from your clients than you pay to them, do you not? INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if
we did not -- HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well then. If it is
_certain_, with reference to the whole body of your clients, that they lose money on you
it is _probable_, with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is these
individual probabilities that make the aggregate certainty. INSURANCE AGENT: I will not
deny it -- but look at the figures in this pamph -- HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! INSURANCE
AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would otherwise pay to me. Will you not
be more likely to squander them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. HOUSE OWNER: The
willingness of A to take care of B's money is not peculiar to insurance, but as a
charitable institution you command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a Deserving
Object. INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure to substitute
misrule for bad government. INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of
influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote,
of the performance of an involuntary act. INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of
different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been
to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. INTERREGNUM, n. The period
during which a monarchical country is governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the
throne. The experiment of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most
unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm again. INTIMACY, n. A
relation into which fools are providentially drawn for their mutual destruction. Two
Seidlitz powders, one in blue And one in white, together drew And having each a pleasant
sense Of t'other powder's excellence, Forsook their jackets for the snug Enjoyment of a
common mug. So close their intimacy grew One paper would have held the two. To confidences
straight they fell, Less anxious each to hear than tell; Then each remorsefully confessed
To all the virtues he possessed, Acknowledging he had them in So high degree it was a sin.
The more they said, the more they felt Their spirits with emotion melt, Till tears of
sentiment expressed Their feelings. Then they effervesced! So Nature executes her feats Of
wrath on friends and sympathetes The good old rule who don't apply, That you are you and I
am I. INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of
his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The introduction attains its most malevolent
development in this century, being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every
American being the equal of every other American, it follows that everybody has the right
to know everybody else, which implies the right to introduce without request or
permission. The Declaration of Independence should have read thus: "We hold these
truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their
Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make
that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances;
liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first
ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's
happiness with a running pack of strangers." INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an
ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. ITCH, n. The patriotism
of a Scotchman. J J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- than
which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has been but slightly
modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and it was not a letter but a character,
standing for a Latin verb, _jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown
at a dog the dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as expounded
by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of Belgrade, who established his
conclusions on the subject in a work of three quarto volumes and committed suicide on
being reminded that the j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. JEALOUS, adj.
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth
keeping. JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose business it
was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances, the absurdity being attested
by his motley costume. The king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some
centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were sufficiently ridiculous for
the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind. The jester was commonly called a
fool, but the poets and romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly
wise and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the court fool
effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same jests wherewith in life he
gloomed the marble hall, panged the patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal
tears. The widow-queen of Portugal Had an audacious jester Who entered the confessional
Disguised, and there confessed her. "Father," she said, "thine ear bend
down -- My sins are more than scarlet: I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, And common,
base-born varlet." "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, "That sin,
indeed, is awful: The church's pardon is denied To love that is unlawful. "But since
thy stubborn heart will be For him forever pleading, Thou'dst better make him, by decree,
A man of birth and breeding." She made the fool a duke, in hope With Heaven's taboo
to palter; Then told a priest, who told the Pope, Who damned her from the altar! Barel
Dort JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with the teeth and
trying to brush it away with the finger. JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the
Chinese in their pagan tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy
religion. JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition the State
sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service. K K is a
consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced away back beyond them to the
Cerathians, a small commercial nation inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue
it was called _Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was
originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker explains that it was
altered to its present shape to commemorate the destruction of the great temple of Jarute
by an earthquake, _circa_ 730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of
its portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other remaining
intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to have been suggested by these
pillars, so, it is thought by the great antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and
natural -- not to say touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national
memory. It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional mnemonic,
or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one of nature's pums. As each
theory seems probable enough, I see no objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker
arrayed himself on that side of the question. KEEP, v.t. He willed away his whole estate,
And then in death he fell asleep, Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, My name unblemished
I shall keep." But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought Whose was it? -- for the dead
keep naught. Durang Gophel Arn KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a
successor. KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in
Scotland. KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. KING, n. A male person
commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown
and has usually no head to speak of. A king, in times long, long gone by, Said to his lazy
jester: "If I were you and you were I My moments merrily would fly -- Nor care nor
grief to pester." "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," The fool said
-- "if you'll hear it -- Is that of all the fools alive Who own you for their
sovereign, I've The most forgiving spirit." Oogum Bem KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that
was formerly cured by the touch of the sovereign, but has now to be treated by the
physicians. Thus 'the most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon
the ailing subjects and make them whole -- a crowd of wretched souls That stay his cure:
their malady convinces The great essay of art; but at his touch, Such sanctity hath Heaven
given his hand, They presently amend, as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This
useful property of the royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown
properties; for according to "Malcolm," 'tis spoken To the succeeding royalty he
leaves The healing benediction. But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of
succession: the later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the disease
once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler one of
"scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the following epigram
are known only to the author of this dictionary, but it is old enough to show that the
jest about Scotland's national disorder is not a thing of yesterday. Ye Kynge his evill in
me laye, Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. He layde his hand on mine and sayd: "Be
gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. But O ye wofull plyght in wh. I'm now y-pight: I have
ye itche! The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is dead, but like
many a departed conviction it has left a monument of custom to keep its memory green. The
practice of forming a line and shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when
that great dignitary bestows his healing salutation on strangely visited people, All swoln
and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, The mere despair of surgery, he and his patients are
handing along an extinguished torch which once was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith
long held by all classes of men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" --
one which brings the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." KISS,
n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is supposed to
signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony appertaining to a good
understanding; but the manner of its performance is unknown to this lexicographer.
KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. Part III
|